Exercise Journey: The Trail of Tears

Not to be one of those girls, but recently I’ve noticed that my skinny jeans haven’t been feeling so skinny. At first, I blamed my grandmother’s deadly chocolate pie that she pretty much force-fed me every day during break. Okay, well, maybe not force-fed. FINE! I ate a whole pie by myself on Christmas Eve. Happy?! But I just thought, “Hey, no problem. I’ll go back to school and the weight will just fall off.”
Well, looks like I was wrong. The other day, my best friend and I had a SUPER BFF moment, so I ran into his open arms for an epic movie hug. Unfortunately, I completely underestimated the effects of eating an entire pie by oneself and ended up knocking him flat on his back.
But I was still in denial.
I mean, yeah, my friend had to go to the hospital for cracked ribs and a broken arm. And, yeah, that squirrel he fell on still had a limp. So what?! It wasn’t like I was unhealthy or something.
I kept these cheery thoughts ringing in my head as I walked to all my new classes. I checked my schedule – next class – Philosophy – FIFTH floor of Marist?! I didn’t even know there was a fifth floor of Marist! “Whatever,” I thought, breezing right past the elevator, “I’m young and healthy. This should be a snap.” FALSE.
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, I was wheezing harder than an asthmatic after climbing Everest. I suddenly realized that it was time to (gulp) start working out.
Now, I will be the first to admit that I am extremely un-athletic. If a bear was chasing everyone I know, I would probably get eaten sixth because I run like girl … with weights tied to her ankles. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I am outrageously impatient. When I was small, I played tennis, but was consistently yelled at for hitting the ball over the fence – I didn’t have the self restraint to hit the ball gently. I played soccer for a short blip of my life and regularly kicked the ball out of bounds or in opposing team member’s faces because I didn’t want to have to spend all that time inching my way up the field dribbling like one-legged Joe from the old folk’s home. Plus, dribbling up the field would require some leg work that I quite honestly have never been capable of.
So it really shouldn’t have been a surprise to me when I was completely winded after running on the treadmill at 8.5 mph after only two minutes. And that my arms REALLY hurt after trying to bench press 350 lbs. But I told myself that beauty is pain and after only ten minutes in the gym, I must have looked like Cindy Crawford.
I went to the Pryz and helped myself to a cheeseburger, fries, and a piece of broccoli. Why not? I had clearly just burned enough calories to be able to enjoy such delicacies without worrying about my weight, and I purposefully skipped the cake display. After my nutritious meal, I went back to my dorm and weighed myself. I had gained three pounds. Perfect.
Okay, so since the gym didn’t work, I could do something in the dorm room by myself. I typed “yoga” into the search bar on youtube and was glad to see how many results popped up. “Yoga for Beginners.” No. “Yoga for Pregnant Women.” No. “Yoga for Sleep Deprived,” “Yoga for Relaxation,” “Yoga for the Elderly.” No, no, and definitely no. “Super Intense Yoga Power Crunch for Extreme Weight Loss.” PERFECT!
The video consisted of a gothic looking woman taping herself in her Brooklyn apartment. Shady, but there was no way I was doing “Yoga for the Elderly.” The work-out seemed easy enough at first – lots of breathing, lots of sitting. Then came some stretching. And then suddenly, yoga lady was doing a full on handstand. I knew if I wanted to be serious and lose weight, I had to be able to a headstand, too, obviously. So I kicked off my make-shift yoga mat (a small shag carpet) and felt my legs try to find balance in the air. Of course one of the worst side effects of grandma’s chocolate pie is severe lack of balance, but don’t worry, the lamp, the mirror, and collection of antique crystal cat figurines didn’t break when I knocked them all over with my lazy legs.
I realize now that patience is a virtue for a reason, and while it is important to stay healthy, you have to take it slowly, one day and piece of chocolate pie at a time.