How to Lose a Friend in Ten Days

Freshman year, everyone wanted to make friends.
People left their doors open in hopes that someone on their floor would come in and add themselves as a Facebook friend or gossip about the latest outing to Brothers. It was perfectly normal to introduce yourself to random people during dinnertime at the Pryz or try to sit next to people you didn’t know during classes.
As a sophomore, I find that the atmosphere has changed quite a bit. It’s not a bad thing, but people have found cliques and usually have someone they know to sit next to in class. Plus, now I hear things like,
“I have too many friends.”
Really? Is that even possible? Apparently it was for my good ol’ buddy Derrick.
“No, seriously! I have way too many friends! I can’t keep up with them all,” Derrick whined over breakfast. “I don’t even know why some of us hang out. We don’t actually like each other!”
Derrick went on to explain that some of the friends he had made in his desperation to avoid loneliness his freshman year were starting to get on his nerves. They didn’t have anything in common:. Derrick is a homebody and prefers to stay in and order Boli’s on Friday nights and he was sick of his friends pressuring him to leave the coziness of his room to be squashed between two complete awkwardly dancing strangers on the dance floor at Hawk ‘n’ Dove. They had signed up for a lot of the same classes as Derrick and were constantly asking for homework help. Plus, according to Derrick, they kind of smelled.
“They’re not bad people,” Derrick reflected, “they’re just not the kind of people I really click with.”
After listening to Derrick’s predicament, I had to wonder: how many people are stuck in friendships that really aren’t beneficial to anyone anymore. Are people too lazy to make sure that their friends are people that they truly enjoy and can relate to on a daily basis? Is there a way to painlessly ease yourself out of a relationship that is becoming painful to maintain?
I decided to help Derrick. We sat down and made a list of things he could do to subtly drive his “friends” away. Derrick thought it would be a good idea to use the yuck factor and use it A LOT. He started talking with his mouth full, coughing all over everyone’s Pryz feasts, and I’m pretty sure he stopped showering because he was emitting an odor that could choke a cow. I was even having trouble staying friends with the guy!
But his unwanted friends stuck by. They still followed Derrick to class, they continued to invite him out, and Derrick was confused. Surely, these people recognized that Derrick didn’t fit in with them. Why wasn’t a little stink sending them to the hills?
So Derrick amped up the ick. He publically announced that he needed someone to help him shave his back hair. He started borrowing people’s toothbrushes without asking. He even started wearing Crocs. It was awful.
When that didn’t even work, Derrick started getting a little rude. He constantly talked about his other, better, more beautiful friends. He purposefully ignored his unwanted friends when they talked. I knew I had to put a stop to the experiment when Derrick told the group that they were playing hide and seek, but then never left to go find them after counting to one hundred. It was just too cruel. And they obviously weren’t getting the message.
When I approached him about it, Derrick was defensive.
“You want me to just tell a bunch of people that I don’t want them in my life? That’s so rude!”
I sighed. It was true. Talking with your mouth full is a forgivable kind of rude. Telling someone that they’re not good enough to be your friend is kind of like asking for a giant wedgie. You just don’t do it.
So what do you do? Not that I’m some sort of expert, but I did watch an episode of Dr. Phil once and I think the best thing to do is to wait it out. Don’t do anything rash or hurtful, because even if someone is your unwanted friend, they’re still your friend. Don’t let the time you’ve spent together be in vain! Maybe introduce them to people you think they would be better friends with, or simply spend a little less time with them.
And keep showering. For the love of all things sacred, KEEP SHOWERING.